Sunday 3 June 2012

Wooden boats, jubilee nostalgia


Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. There’s to be a river pageant on the Thames today, it’s a bank holiday weekend, and there’s little news. So, despite the continuous rain, the Jubilee obsessed BBC is showing continuous coverage of damp people preparing for the event. A wave of nostalgia washes over me, there’s a flotilla of sailing boats, and some of them have been based at St Catherine’s Dock next to Tower Bridge.

Some years ago (1990?) I was invited by Ian Wollen to be part of a crew to take a sailing Brixham Trawler “Regard” from St Catherine’s Dock to the Isle of Wight to take part in a Cowes Classic rally. Regard was built in 1933, originally named “Our Boy” and changed to “Regard” in 1954. Wooden boats have a ‘character’ all of their own, some love it, and some put up with it. There’s a history of her on this page, but as the boat is sold I don’t expect the link will last for ever.

Regard had been kept in dock for several years, and was suffering from a lack of maintenance and a surfeit of decay and dirt. It was arranged to take her out onto the river (Thames) for a shakedown trip before venturing out to sea. I really don’t remember much about it apart from getting very dirty, as everything we touched was covered in grime. Wood swells when it gets wet and this is what makes wooden boats waterproof. If the wood dries out, it shrinks and gaps appear between the planks. Gaps had appeared in the deck and all that part of the hull that is above the static waterline whilst just floating in the calm waters of the dock.

The original design had not given a lot of thought to an engine, the consequence of which was that the propeller was to one side of the substantial rudder. This meant that turning to port was inevitable and rapid, whereas turning to starboard was recalcitrant and slow. This made the tight manoeuvring required in St Catherine’s quite interesting, and I was only watching. Once out on the river, we motored down river towards the sea.

As soon as Regard started to move on the water, and roll in the wake of other boats, the water started to come in. Lots of it. We had to clear everything away from the hull sides and man the pumps. It wasn’t threatening but it was wet. We also found that the deck leaked. In heavy rain lying in your bunk getting dripped on is not fun. I remember Ian remarking about: “That’s the reason we have fibreglass boats”, and some die-hard traditionalist crew members muttered about his suitability as Captain if he didn’t appreciate the ‘Character’ of the boat. The other members of the crew were two guys with a vast amount of experience, tales and fun, and one twat who actually knew everything; but nearly ran us onto the well marked submarine defences off Southsea.

On the trip around Kent we found a Thames sailing Barge with an Aga for cooking and real ale on tap. We also found that old engines in boats can give up at any time. I earned my keep by making water pump gaskets out of brown paper with a ball pein hammer. It was a great trip for me, and I got treated to a most spectacular thunderstorm at night over a dead calm sea. It was my first sailing passage, as prior to that I had only done day trips. Thank you Ian for the experience.

Thursday 26 April 2012


Mystery Shoppers. Fake buyers who waste your time; or a valuable way to assess real performance and find out how buyers see you? On balance, I’m in favour of mystery shoppers. I work in a regulated industry, and the company has a right and duty to make sure that the point of sale activity is effective and compliant.

However, I get VERY PI55ED OFF when my time is valuable, and the ‘shopper’ is no good. I accused a caller today of being a mystery shopper (little things like the pronunciation of the town, Bicester): “Have you lived there long?” well, in 10 years you’d think she would get it right, wouldn’t you?

Anyway – she denied it; so I rushed through the rigmarole of a sale and yes, just at the point where I collect the money – she declares herself to be a mystery shopper. What upsets me is that I don’t get the choice to say that I don’t want to play your games ‘cos I’m busy; and worse than that; there’s never any bloody feedback!
And breathe; Friday tomorrow.